…Company lots of Company life is Company…..

I’ve always been a people person. I love people, I love new people, being around people… and yet, I can’t stand the majority of them. Even when I was in school and felt that I was too fat and therefore ugly to deserve any real friends or even to speak to anyone, I was still a people person.

Once I came out of my shell a little bit in the ways you tend to do during those years, I developed several very close friendships. One by one these people have found others, or followed their dreams, and moved on. They’re still with me, and we’re all still in contact-for the most part, but I can’t spend time with them the way I’d really like to.

The thing is, I tend to need company. I like people to spend time with and be around. I get very bored and lonely when left on my own for too terribly long.

Hence the reason that I would spend a lot of time trying to hang out with someone who most of the time, I’m sure not all of the time–but quite often at least, didn’t really want to hang out with me so much as they wanted to get something out of me.

He used me, and I used him.

This is the reason that when I would for a while have a friend who actually wanted to spend time with me, without me begging or paying or bribing them into it, I wouldn’t hang out with this person much at all. I’m sorry for using him, I shouldn’t have. I wouldn’t necessarily expect better out of other people, but I would expect better out of myself. Aside from that, using him in that way is as destructive to both of us as using me in the way he did was. Naturally, knowing that if I said no I wouldn’t buy something or do what he wanted to… deciding to do something else and therefore not hanging out with me, leaving me to myself, I would usually change my mind. What a terrible thing for both of us. It taught him to use people– specifically how to use me. For myself it reaffirms each time it happens that yes, I do need to buy people’s love. Thereby worsening my self-esteem.

Only now I have no extra money–at all–and I can’t buy anyones attention or time.

Decididing that this relationship is very unhealthy and that I have to get away from the bad parts of it have been a difficult thing to think about, even in what has only been the first two days. I have to spend time on my own, and when the people who will hang out with me without requiring something of me, I can spend time with them, but when I can’t, its more alone time. I always say, of alone time, that I don’t need any. That’s not true, everyone needs to be alone at least some, but I do get plenty already. I need to figure out some new recreational things to do that I enjoy, that I can do alone. Of course, going to the Y is one, I like that… but I can only do it until 10pm, after that I suppose there’s TV and whatnot. Sometimes I’ve got people to walk with. Most won’t put up with the bitter cold the way I will, but some are very good at braving weather that is still pretty chilly.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, I guess its just that I’m a little bit scared. I know that in buying this other person what they want, I also often get drunk and end up eating things that are bad for me… sometimes a few times a week… spending money I don’t have (on liquor AND food I shouldn’t be eating) and un-doing all the good dieting I’ve been doing that day. I’m excited for both of us that we won’t hopefully have to have that crutch anymore. At the same time, I’m going to miss him. If we can be friends in the way that doesn’t require anything of me financially, I’d like that. I just don’t know if its possible at this point. He’s fine to hang out on his own… I don’t think he minds it much. I enjoy being around him, we have countless inside jokes, and little fun things. Perhaps we’re more meant as peripheral friends though… to enjoy those things, just not every day. I think that’s the way it would always have worked for him.

Well, I’ll quit for now… I need to go to bed. I work 8am-whatever tomorrow. So I’d better get on so I can do that.

Thanks for listening to me talk in circles, I’ll catch you next time.

Brett Patrick Casey :o)