brettsing

2 in a 7 day . Not bad considering my recent record.

The last post I had was kind of hurried. Plus it was whiny. Perhaps I can drag this one out a little longer and explain things a little bit better, without being irritating.

We’ll start over.

I moved to Columbia. At this point I’m not sure if I’m going to be staying here or not because I drive to Jefferson City several times a week to hang out with people. I know you’re thinking “But why? Loads of your Columbia friends must be lining up at your door for the chance to hang out with you now that you live near them!!!” It turns out that they are busy. The time-tested, kid approved ”washing of the hair” will suffice as a general explanatory excuse regarding their prior engagements.  Naturally, I’m a little bit surprised as I’d always planned to hang out with people, and part of the reason I moved up here was because I figured I’d be less lonely.

Not so.

I am alone almost all of the time when up here. At work I am surrounded by people but my job involves very little in the way of teamwork and much more in the way of sitting by myself and doing research to answer e-mails from schools and on occasion, from students. At home, I sit in my room alone – usually online in a desperate attempt to find someone to hang out with – until I can no longer stand it at which point (for the first couple of weeks) I go to one of the bars. The bars of course offer only a lonely session of sitting on a stool and since I’m not really drinking all that much lately, very little else.

So now you’re thinking: “But Brett, what about your new roommate… why don’t you hang out with him?” Well, my roommate is nice but I think our personalities don’t really click. Actually, they don’t click in most ways. He’s coridal and friendly and all, we don’t so much butt heads, we’re just not the buddy-buddy type. We couldn’t have all kinds of inside jokes like Tim and I, we couldn’t be snooty about certain things together like Ryan and I, we couldn’t obsess over health food and stuff like my mom and I. You get the idea. We’ve just not got much in common.

Having exhausted all of my searchable outlets for someone to hang out with up here in Columbia, I go to Jefferson City. In Jefferson City I have family… they hang out with me no matter what because they love me… I also have several friends who actually don’t mind spending their time with me. Tim and Debra and Shawna are there, and (the last couple of evenings) we’ve all been hanging out together.  

I guess when living in Jefferson City it was easy to fall into a rut by just hanging out with my family, and coming up to bar a lot. Without really wanting to go to bar, which I had been less and less even before I moved, I was just spending a lot of time with my family. Moving to Columbia has made me want to reconnect with my friends more than ever. Especially some of the ones I no longer see, like Kody and Ryan and Lexy… however they fell out of the “hang out with frequently” list because they, like my friends up here, have other people that they like to spend time with… perhaps a signifant other or friends that they have standing plans with, et cetera. Debra and Shawna don’t seem to mind Tim (and now me) being there all that much. Tim likes to hang out with all of us.

In Chicago I often felt alone, but it was different. There were possibilities, there was always someone new to meet, and there was always a ton of people to hang out with. If someone was busy, I could call someone else. Plus, were a million people everywhere and I could still be alone, even in the middle of them, if that was the need that wasn’t being met at that time.  

So, now you’re thinking “Well, why don’t you just move back here already?! It seems that you’ve learned something new about yourself from this, and perhaps you should just go back and be with the people who want to be with you.”

Well, to you I would say that I want to. Actually I want that very badly right now. However, and I’ll bet you saw this coming, its not quite that simple. First of all, my job is up here. I don’t mind driving back and forth all that much, but it does take up a larger chunk of your day than you would think. With traffic and in/out of the city its less like 25-30 and more like 40-45 minutes each way. Blocked off, that’s almost two hours of time. Of course, if I’m driving back to Jefferson City for people to hang out with anyway… I suppose I’m not saving that much time or gas. However, I’m not driving during rush periods so traffic isn’t quite so bad at the times I’m traveling.

I also have a job interview up here with one of the newspapers for a graphic design position. ["What, why didn't you tell me? That's so exciting for you! Ohmigod I hope you get it!"] Thank you, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I’m working hard to make sure I’m all brushed up on everthing that they need… and everything else. <blockquote>Sidebar: I’m told that for a part of my interview (which btw is with two people… and I think they’ve been looking for quite some time… this is the second time I’ve submitted my resume to them for this position) I will have to design a graphic layout and/or advertisement using color correction and clipping paths in photoshop and using Quark for layout. </blockquote> So of course I’m curious as to if I’ll get that job, and to how much money I’ll be making… if I could afford my own place… etc. .

Right now everything is all about unknowns, and naturally that makes me really uncomfortable. Will I get this job? Do I want a place in Columbia? If I had one, maybe Tim could come up here and live with me once he got a car. Does Tim want to come up here? Why do I need to be around people so often; why am I not okay with being alone?  Should I try to move to Saint Louis? Should I move in with my friend who offered to let me live with him but he already has a roommate I’m not sure if I like; wouldn’t that put me in the same situation I’m in now? Will I ever get out of Mid-Missouri? Will this thing where I have to be around people prevent me from doing this in life? It seems to prevent me from getting design work done that I should be doing… and that’s something I love. I just like to be sitting in a room with other people when I do it. Is that stupid? Should I go to college when I’m 24 and can get loans on my own, or will I have a job that I should stick with for a while for experience? Could I do both? Should I try to grow my business and do that instead? How come everyone else can get the cracks to work on their iPhones but mine just locks up? Shouldn’t it be easier on mac? I want a prettier dock on my screen! Will I have enough money to visit Christy in spain? So you see, it goes on and on… and I just don’t know.

A while back, I stated that I believe a large part of growing older is being able to realize that I don’t have all of the answers. I’m unsure. I don’t know.

All I know is this: I want to be happy. How do I get there? What does it look like? How will I make the right decisions to lead me to that goal?

I won’t: I’m going to screw it up.

What I will do, however, is admit when I’m wrong, and learn from my mistakes. Because if I don’t make them, how else will I know they were mistakes? Preparedness and (attempted) objective thinking can only take you so far. Things either feel right, or they don’t and usually I can’t know which until I’m doing them.

What I will not do is let being afraid of making the wrong choice keep me from trying things and therefore shaping me as a person Then I don’t grow, and I go nowhere. I’m all about growth and going places (cool and fun places that is.)

Well guys and gals, I suppose that’s all for now.
Brett Patrick Casey :o)

Dead End. Don’t Walk. Keep Out. Red Light.

My days as a heavy drinker are over. In fact, for the time being, I can no longer drink at all.

Even though I have no health insurance of any kind (I haven’t been slinging textbooks for long enough yet.) I decided to go to the doctor (or more accurately the nurse practitioner, who I actually prefer.) for a visit.

While there, I mentioned that I was out of Phentermine (which I take for weight loss, though I’ve gained 35 lbs since I’ve been on it.) Some days I’ve taken my phentermine twice (either by accident or otherwise) and those are the only days it seems to help. I don’t feel like it helped because it got rid of my hunger though. (It did, but you still get hungry… you just don’t want to eat very much b/c you’ll spend the next two hours feeling like you need to puke, but not actually doing it.) I believe the reason it helped those days had more to do with the fact that taking two doses increased its “upper” effect to a point that I actually felt ok about life. I think its much easier for me to make healthy decisions when I’m feeling good. Otherwise, I’m more inclined to eat my feelings… I guess. I dunno–its less that–I think its more of a food makes me feel good thing. I’ll eat even when I’m not hungry, just because.

Beacuse of all of this, we came to the conclusion that was time to try something different. She put me on Lexapro.

Apparently, you cannot drink on Lexapro. So, I quit drinking. (Let’s see how long I can handle this.)  Saturday night I went to the bar, and didn’t have a lot of fun. The people were fun, I sang well (no surprises there) and a good time was had by most… but I just can’t be “me” without the liquor. I’m me, but the regular shy “I don’t know you very well.” me. Not the me that people from the bar are used to. I don’t really have a choice though, so I’m trying to see the silver lining in all of this.

Brett Patrick Casey :o)

Dead End. Don’t Walk. Keep Out. Red Light.

My days as a heavy drinker are over. In fact, for the time being, I can no longer drink at all.

Even though I have no health insurance of any kind (I haven’t been slinging textbooks for long enough yet.) I decided to go to the doctor (or more accurately the nurse practitioner, who I actually prefer.) for a visit.

While there, I mentioned that I was out of Phentermine (which I take for weight loss, though I’ve gained 35 lbs since I’ve been on it.) Some days I’ve taken my phentermine twice (either by accident or otherwise) and those are the only days it seems to help. I don’t feel like it helped because it got rid of my hunger though. (It did, but you still get hungry… you just don’t want to eat very much b/c you’ll spend the next two hours feeling like you need to puke, but not actually doing it.) I believe the reason it helped those days had more to do with the fact that taking two doses increased its “upper” effect to a point that I actually felt ok about life. I think its much easier for me to make healthy decisions when I’m feeling good. Otherwise, I’m more inclined to eat my feelings… I guess. I dunno–its less that–I think its more of a food makes me feel good thing. I’ll eat even when I’m not hungry, just because.

Beacuse of all of this, we came to the conclusion that was time to try something different. She put me on Lexapro.

Apparently, you cannot drink on Lexapro. So, I quit drinking. (Let’s see how long I can handle this.)  Saturday night I went to the bar, and didn’t have a lot of fun. The people were fun, I sang well (no surprises there) and a good time was had by most… but I just can’t be “me” without the liquor. I’m me, but the regular shy “I don’t know you very well.” me. Not the me that people from the bar are used to. I don’t really have a choice though, so I’m trying to see the silver lining in all of this.

Brett Patrick Casey :o)

Apparently I pissed TiVo off…

Yeah… so the phone cord that is supposed to connect into TiVo is missing its little plastic clip. Unfortunately, its run from the other side of the house and it would be really time consuming and annoying to replace. Because of this, it falls out all the time and TiVo gives me a message each day it cannot connect.

Today, I accidentially clicked “messages” and TiVo locked up while trying to load 117 messages for the 117 days I have not had the phone line hooked in, or deleted the messages about it.

Interestingly enough, though locked up for hours… TiVo still recorded the scheduled shows in the background of its being locked up, and they worked just fine.

I love when technology stories end happily.

Brett Patrick Casey :o)

The Betty Ford Center Welcomes You

Last night on the way to pick up Tim before heading out to Columbia, I went through the low-income apartment community that is on the west side of Jefferson City that you must go through to get to Tim’s apartment from my house most quickly. As I drove by the parking lot of one of the buildings I saw a large number of teenage girls getting out of a very very long limousine. I had to stop and ask myself how many WIC points it takes to rent a limo… if those girls and their families were able to eat this month… and if the limo company could take EBT cards.

I’ve gone up to Columbia to bars the last three days in a row. Each night, even though I went up with the intention of staying relatively sober, I got drunk. And two of the nights, I ate food that was bad for me and not acceptable for my diet, even though I’d been doing a fantastic job of eating properly and exercising the entire rest of the day. Last night, I waited around the parking lot until I felt more sober and drove home. I’m not one who likes to drink and drive… AT ALL, but my very drunk passenger was insisting that we NOT stay up in Columbia with a friend, which is what I do in situations where I get drunk. Driving home makes me very nervous, and though I hadn’t had that much to drink last night, and most of what was really bothering me was how tired I was, I still knew that I was too intoxicated to be driving. When I got to Ashland I remembered my keychain BAC blowy tester thing that I have in my car. I blew into it, it took a moment but the red light eventually showed up. I do NOT like to drive while inebriated and found this very unacceptable. I know lots of people in Columbia who would have been more than happy to put us up for the night. Why am I unable to say no to my insistent drunk passenger(s) who quite obviously are not thinking correctly? Why do I eventually give in and drive home when I know I should not?

However, you’re probably thinking… as am I, that this problem could have been avoided if one of us had only stayed sober. Well, I drove so my responsibility, right? This means I shouldn’t be having any. I always tell myself that one or two will be okay though (one or two didn’t used to do very much to me, but since I’ve cut back it messes me up pretty bad as of late) even though I really shouldn’t have any. I’m fine if I don’t start drinking, and I can do that, but if I don’t start drinking I stay closed up and don’t talk to many people, and don’t have a lot of fun. I know that a little alcohol will make conversation and fun flow a little more easily. However, if I do start drinking, I am for some reason unable to stop and I will most certainly be getting to some level of drunk.

So as you see, the real problem here isn’t only my inability to say no to people. Its my inability to abstain from drinking, or only drink one. Also, I think my inability to say no to certain people is something I should explore. Okay, rewind the tape of last night to the part where I’m still sitting at home updating the SoCo site, before I went out. I ask Tim if he wants to come out to the bar with me, he doesn’t because he has no money for cover or alcohol… so I tell him I’ll get his cover and buy him a pitcher of beer. Now, Tim and I have made plans for me to pick him up at work at 10:30. I get a phone call around 9:40 or so saying that he’s off early… he’s going to his house to change and could I pick him up? His house is WAY out of my way for leaving Jefferson City. From my house to the bridge, its about 7 minutes. From my house to Tim’s is about 13 minutes, from Tim’s to the bridge, its about 8 minutes. Obviously, this puts me way out of my way. It also uses quite a bit more of my gas. I decide last night that I don’t want to drive out there… b/c driving out there means I also must drop him off… adding an extra 21 minutes of travel time to my trip (while drunk and not wanting to be driving in the first place) at 3:00am. This is about 40 minutes, that could be 16 if we met at a location that was closer to downtown. He says if he has to drive to my house, or somewhere else, that he can’t drink as much, and he’s tired and maybe he’ll just go to bed. I say “Okay, well, talk to you later.” and hang up.

Now, I’m faced with a night of sitting at home alone and perhaps actually getting some work done instead of going out, spending money, drinking, putting myself in an unsafe situation, eating things I shouldn’t, and getting home really late. So naturally, I call him back and say “Its fine, I’ll pick you up.” He explains that he wasn’t trying to be bitchy, just trying save time. I don’t bother to explain how much extra time that adds for me.

So now, just so that I can have some company, I’ve agreed to pick someone up who is way out of my way, drop them off, and buy their liquor and food. We all know I’m not made of money. Why is it that I feel the need to go out of my way for people to get them to hang out with me? I mean, I do have people who want to spend time with me because they enjoy being around me. But when they are unavailable, or if they just don’t feel like doing something, and I’m faced with being alone, I’ll go far out of my way to try to coerce them to go with me.
I know I have to stop drinking. I’m not sure if for a while, or forever, but at the very least for now, I have to stop. While right now this is a small problem, my fear is that it could turn into something larger, and that is something I do not want. Aside from being bad for me, its expensive, and I usually eat something bad for me after. So, for now… no more alcohol.

I suppose I also need to deal with this problem of always wanting to be around other people. Part of this I feel is a problem, and part of it I feel isn’t. I’ll explain. When I look back at my life, I can look back and say “yes, it was very good that I cleaned my room three times the week of January  21st 2007.” or I can look back and say: “I had a lot of good experiences with a lot of good people. ” People, to me, matter so much more than housework. Granted, the housework and whatever other work needs to get done, has to be done… and eventually it gets done. But isn’t it better to have spent your life having enjoyable conversations and experiences with people than alone dusting? I guess no one could answer that for everyone, but for me… I’d rather have the people. At the same time, when no people are available… I should be able to say “okay, cool, I can use this time to get things done” and do just that. I shouldn’t be doing whatever I can to get someone to hang out with me. That must be it… looking at that time in a different way. Not saying: I’m alone… I don’t feel like being alone… that sucks. I need to turn it into… I have a chance to get something done time. Perhaps I’ll rename it. Alone time is now useful time. I won’t stop hanging out with people to stay home and do whatever because that’s putting the things before the people… unless its something very pressing or important… but I won’t search desperately for other people to spend time with. This is also good because it gets the stuff done that I may otherwise be neglecting when I am hanging out with people. Yay, its win-win.
So we’ve decided two things:
1. No more alcohol (for an undetermined period of time)
2. Turn times when I’m by myself into a chance to be productive.

Of course as I’ve discussed many times before, and as with everything else in life, what all of this really comes down to is balance. Achieving it, and if that ever happens, maintaining it.

Resources:

The Betty Ford Center “Do You Have A Problem?” Test. (I answered yes to 4.  Two or more “Yes” answers indicates a problem.)

Take Five

Okay, so its probably more like take five hundred and fifty five, but whatever… I’m doing it again (and hopefully for good) and that’s what counts.

As any one of you who know me very well or have been reading for very long know, fall and spring are my times that I feel really restless and feel the need to shake things up. Actually, I feel like that most of the time, but fall and spring the feelings of restlessness come with an extra intensity.

Last night, after a night of moderate drinking and Karaoke, while eating McDonalds, Tim and I made a pact (a la The Golden Girls) to drink less alcohol… he’s going to stop drinking beer, and then no more greasy or bad-for-us-food after. Double-plus-bonus: This will save money as well.

I woke up feeling a little sick (probably in part to our final MacAttack or McDollar Menu “Cleanout” as Ryan puts it…) to my stomach but also feeling very motivated. I had a small but reasonable breakfast (yay soymilk and Raisin Bran Trail Mix Crunch) and went to the Y. (Which I joined again circa mid-last week, but since that date had only gone to work out at once prior to today) So I’m off to a good start.

Keeping up the positive attitude and the mindset to eat the right foods, and not too much of them, as well as actually making exercise important enough to actually go and do and not put off, is the difficult part. I’m hoping that my book on positive thinking will help with this. I’m sure it will, I just need to implement the techniques in it while I do this… that makes it easier… I suppose I’ve been putting that off too… but no longer!

So why all of this? Why does someone lose 130lbs and then feel that they still must lose more? Well, even when I was down 130lbs, I STILL had weight to lose, but now that I’ve put 30 lbs back on…. tsk, tsk, tsk. Its a good thing I know what I need to do to take it back off, and its a good thing that I have a supportive network of family and friends.

Its just time to do it, ya know?

I still think Lexy really had something with The Big Plan system. I think the thing it was missing was the oh-so-essential positive attitudes of its participants.

All right kids, make sure to ask me how I’m doing, and wish me loads of exercise and good choices!

Perhaps my first actual PHP venture (that I make on my own, not adapted from someone else’s code) will be to try to add a table and a display to WordPress that tracks my progress. Hmm… could be good!

Oh, and Happy Halloween!
Brett Patrick Casey :o)

Joshie’s AIM Icons are decked out for Autumn.

Speaking of gathering and collecting, it is my new mission to collect positive thoughts. As I mentioned the other day I’m still reading PIVOT: How a change in attitude can lead to success. I’ve realized this about myself: I usually try to seem positive… and I certainly want to seem positive and want to be a positive person. I think that I’m inhibited by all these negative thoughts though. For the most part, excluding work, I’m a positive person… I think. But I need to even be positive at work, especially at work because it’ll make it much more enjoyable.

Thinking negatively is an addiction, and there are lots of ways to counteract this. The book goes on about what they are and how to do them. One of them is to not hang around negativite people. Well, I’m not sure that one is possible… but it takes that into account. Work is work, and the people there are the people there… and though positive energy does rub off… people won’t be positive just because you want them to.

Perhaps on a different day, when I have more time I’ll outline all of the exercises and steps I’m going to be taking. Today I’ve started the first (and I think most important for me… its also early on in the book… destroying your own negative thinking) Every time I think something negative, I counteract that thought by saying the opposite out loud. For example, if I look in the mirror and am feeling depressed about gainging weight, I say out loud: I can lose weight, I already know all of the things I need to do to lose weight. If I think: I don’t want to go to work, or I don’t want to work in that apartment… I say out loud. I have a job and can afford to pay my bills. (See, counteracting negative thoughts with related positive ones) The impact of actually saying it, and hearing it out loud, is supposed to make it easier to believe… because its more than just in your head… unlike the negative thought which hasn’t been allowed to escape.

This may be a difficult undertaking, but I know I can do it… and I will.

Brett Patrick Casey :o)

Joshie’s AIM Icons are decked out for Autumn.

Speaking of gathering and collecting, it is my new mission to collect positive thoughts. As I mentioned the other day I’m still reading PIVOT: How a change in attitude can lead to success. I’ve realized this about myself: I usually try to seem positive… and I certainly want to seem positive and want to be a positive person. I think that I’m inhibited by all these negative thoughts though. For the most part, excluding work, I’m a positive person… I think. But I need to even be positive at work, especially at work because it’ll make it much more enjoyable.

Thinking negatively is an addiction, and there are lots of ways to counteract this. The book goes on about what they are and how to do them. One of them is to not hang around negativite people. Well, I’m not sure that one is possible… but it takes that into account. Work is work, and the people there are the people there… and though positive energy does rub off… people won’t be positive just because you want them to.

Perhaps on a different day, when I have more time I’ll outline all of the exercises and steps I’m going to be taking. Today I’ve started the first (and I think most important for me… its also early on in the book… destroying your own negative thinking) Every time I think something negative, I counteract that thought by saying the opposite out loud. For example, if I look in the mirror and am feeling depressed about gainging weight, I say out loud: I can lose weight, I already know all of the things I need to do to lose weight. If I think: I don’t want to go to work, or I don’t want to work in that apartment… I say out loud. I have a job and can afford to pay my bills. (See, counteracting negative thoughts with related positive ones) The impact of actually saying it, and hearing it out loud, is supposed to make it easier to believe… because its more than just in your head… unlike the negative thought which hasn’t been allowed to escape.

This may be a difficult undertaking, but I know I can do it… and I will.

Brett Patrick Casey :o)